Master of the House

Master of the House is a song from Les Misérables, sung by the characters of Monsieur Thénardier, Madame Thénardier and the ensemble.

Lyrics
MONSIEUR THÉNARDIER

Welcome, Monsieur, sit yourself down

And meet the best innkeeper in town

As for the rest, all of 'em crooks:

Rooking their guests and crooking the books

Seldom do you see

Honest men like me

A gent of good intent

Who's content to be

Master of the house, doling out the charm

Ready with a handshake and an open palm

Tells a saucy tale, makes a little stir

Customers appreciate a bon-viveur

Glad to do a friend a favor

Doesn't cost me to be nice

But nothing gets you nothing

Everything has got a little price!

Master of the house, keeper of the zoo

Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two

Watering the wine, making up the weight

Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight

Everybody loves a landlord

Everybody's bosom friend

I do whatever pleases

Jesus! Won't I bleed 'em in the end!

CUSTOMERS

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye

Never wants a passerby to pass him by

Servant to the poor, butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate

Everybody's boon companion

Everybody's chaperone

MONSIEUR THÉNARDIER

But lock up your valises

Jesus! Won't I skin you to the bone!

Enter Monsieur, lay down your load

Unlace your boots, rest from the road

This weighs a ton, travel's a curse

But here we strive to lighten your purse

Here the goose is cooked

Here the fat is fried

And nothing's overlooked

Till I'm satisfied

Food beyond compare. Food beyond belief!

Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef

Kidney of a horse, liver of a cat

Filling up the sausages with this and that

Residents are more than welcome

Bridal suite is occupied

Reasonable charges

Plus some little extras on the side!

Charge 'em for the lice, extra for the mice

Two percent for looking in the mirror twice

Here a little slice, there a little cut

Three percent for sleeping with the window shut

When it comes to fixing prices

There are a lot of tricks he knows

How it all increases, all them bits and pieces

Jesus! It's amazing how it grows!

ALL

Master of the house, quick to catch yer eye

Never wants a passerby to pass him by

Servant to the poor, butler to the great

Comforter, philosopher, and lifelong mate!

Everybody's boon companion

Gives 'em everything he's got

MONSIEUR THÉNARDIER

Dirty bunch of geezers

Jesus! What a sorry little lot!

MADAME THÉNARDIER

I used to dream that I would meet a prince

But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?

Master of the house? Isn't worth me spit!

“Comforter, philosopher” and lifelong shit!

Cunning little brain, regular Voltaire

Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there

What a cruel trick of nature landed me with such a louse

God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house!

CUSTOMERS & MONSIEUR THÉNARDIER

Master of the house!

MADAME THÉNARDIER

Master and a half!

CUSTOMERS & MONSIEUR THÉNARDIER

Comforter, philosopher

MADAME THÉNARDIER

Ah, don't make me laugh!

CUSTOMERS & MONSIEUR THÉNARDIER

Servant to the poor, butler to the great

MADAME THÉNARDIER

Hypocrite and toady and inebriate!

CUSTOMERS & MONSIEUR THÉNARDIER

Everybody bless the landlord!

Everybody bless his spouse!

MONSIEUR THÉNARDIER

Everybody raise a glass

MADAME THÉNARDIER

Raise it up the master's arse

ALL

Everybody raise a glass to

The Master of the House!